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My so called best friend said some really hurtful things to me today. We hadn't talked in a month so I reached out to her. Big mistake. She said rudely that I only care about myself, that I play a victim and throw myself pity parties. In all honesty, I was taken aback. That is the furthest thing I do. I am injured, and facing surgery. I hate the fact that I am indeed injured physically but I am. Some fucking friend. With friends like that I don't need enemies. All my life I have hated my body image. My childhood and early adulthood I had to deal with people making sure I didn't have a positive thought about myself. I used to cut my arms not to just feel the pain but because I thought I had fat arms. I have always struggled with my body for the longest time because it wouldn't let me die. Then pain became a way of life. Once I got on steady ground I slowly started to try and lift myself into a better mindset. Then bam my body started to break apart and give up. That is what happens when you work in factories for long shifts and from the years of abuse. Abuse that my so called best friend knows nothing about. She has known me for twenty so years give or take a few years. But she doesn't know me. Yet I only think about myself. So once again I turn to the journal and distance myself from people. People don't understand what's going on, why should they? They are more worried about hording stupid shit. I haven't slept in three days, I have barely been eating. Then she decides to be a bitch. I am already tired. But this time, I won't resort to hating myself again. This time I am trying to do more than just a patch and go to heal. I think it's better if I just come back to vr to write out my feelings, thoughts, struggles. No one really reads anything I write, but at least I won't get pissed off and say something that will have consequences in my waking life. With that note, I shall return later.

I took a stand. Hopefully this is the change I need. Relationship is getting tricky to deal with because I don't think our hearts are in the right place. I have demanded a change because honestly I getting way too old for this bullshit.

On my professional level things are going better. I miss working but am doing my best to make it up. My day is pretty jammed with the necessary crap I do. But hopefully I can get back into the groove of things.

My health is meh. I'm looking at another surgery. I don't think it will do any good and am doing everything I can possibly think of to avoid it. So I'm doing the whole trying to shape my body into a more better form. I fucking hate it. Lol I am not going to lie.

I turn 36 this year and although it is just another year I am a tad bit worried. With all the crap going wrong will I be standing face to face with my death? I certainly hope not. I spent my entire childhood and early adulthood trying to die. Now I finally feel like maybe I have some sort of purpose but knowing my luck this would be the year that changes.

I have been having some peculiar dreams as of late when I do sleep. I wake up feeling disjointed from myself. It's an odd feeling.

Vr has definitely made some changes since the last time I actually took the time to look around. I really miss the place and some of the old people. I even miss my ghosts from time to time. I found Ms B's last goodbye saved in my files. That feels like an entirely different life. I had genuinely cared and fought as hard as I could. Naively stepping into every trap. In the end it didn't matter. Ms. S had assured me it was the right thing to do at the time. Its been 13 years. If they are all in hell waiting for me, hopefully this time around I will have the knowledge to survive it.

I started a journal to keep track of my thoughts, but for some reason, I haven’t been writing in it. I have no one else in my life to really talk to anymore. All my friends are no longer my friends which is fine because they have their own life. My best friend got mad at me for something stupid because she doesn’t understand. No one understands. I am just supposed to be superwoman and do it all. I don’t feel like a superwoman. I feel like I am shutting down and need to put an out-of-order sign on my forehead. I tried to talk to Mr. A but that went pretty shitty. He doesn’t really listen much. It’s probably a good thing there isn’t another man out there to make him jealous by showing an interest in me. I seriously doubt he would even fight for me. He always has a nonchalant attitude. I keep telling him I want romance and someone to pay attention to me. That is an area he really knows nothing about. I am getting too old to explain it to him.